Mallet
Sometimes you just need to hit things really hard
When I got my bachelor’s degree I accepted the first job that was mildly interesting. I remember the interview including a bizarre dog and pony show where there were something like fifteen candidates asking some random guy what was fun nearby. He volunteered that a lot of people in that town (Cedar Rapids, IA) get a pilot’s license as a hobby (a subtle red flag.) One of the candidates asked if they had beer pong in Cedar Rapids.
A little under six months later my friend C-4 invited me to come visit him in Dallas for Easter. I had a ton of fun and decided that moving to Cedar Rapids was a mistake. I sent a hand written letter (wtf?) to Rockwell Collins and instead decided to work for a small company that C-4 worked at in Richardson, TX.
In 2008 or 2009 I was visiting C-4 and his roommate Rosene and I decided that it would be a good idea to wall run down the stairs. Inevitably this meant that, instead of running down the corner wall like Neo or something, I just kicked a hole in his wall. I still don’t know why he didn’t make me fix it; maybe he thought I didn’t know how?
At the beginning of an unpleasantly hot October in 2023 my wife was traveling. The boys wanted to carve pumpkins so we went to the nearby Pavilions to see what we could get. They chose the biggest pumpkins they could carry (or thought they could carry; Axel brought his home by putting it on the back of his scooter, I ended up carrying Roman’s.)
I had decided that it was finally time to make a tool that many woodworkers say you shouldn’t even buy: a mallet. So while the boys where looking at ten pound pumpkins I was looking at firewood. I ended up with what I think is a big chunk of eucalyptus, that invasive Australian wood now endemic to Southern California.
The first step was to get the mallet head approximately the right size. The best tool for the job probably would have been first an axe and then a drawknife, but at the time I didn’t have an axe yet, and my drawknife is still not yet sharp. I ripped it and crosscut it to get it vaguely to shape and then attacked it like a feral cat with my scrub plane. A scrub plane lets you take off a ton of material at a time but like I said, an axe would have been better.
My experience with woodworking is mostly that after almost every task you can see significant progress. The measure of that progress is different depending on the task of course. If you are ripping, you’ll remove at least half an inch and possible much more from the long edge of a piece. If you are crosscutting, you may remove a significant portion of material, maybe more than what you end up with. I frequently remove 1/8” or more with a scrub plane. If I were to use a smoothing plane to remove 1/8” it would take forever. All this to say, using a scrub plane to take a rough log to something approaching square is really not the best way to make progress. I was distraught and frustrated. I spent days getting the mallet head roughed to shape and size; it should have probably taken less than an hour.
The weird notch in the corner is just because the firewood was missing that corner and I was going for a certain weight.
After the mallet head was vaguely the right shape, I ripped out a handle out of some scrap red oak that I got from the offcut bin for $12 at House of Hardwood. I did some basic planing with a Jack to take off the saw marks and get it mostly square.
After that was done, I laid out the mortise in the mallet head for the handle. You want the mallet to be mostly square. If it’s not square mark up is a less reliable: you can’t index on different sides to draw straight lines.
Next I chopped the mortise for the handle. This was so cathartic. The mortise was beautifully square. It was so tight I was worried I wouldn’t be able to remove the handle after dry fitting it. I shaved out a few shavings after dry fitting as I knew the glue would make the fibers expand.
Glue up: Schwarz says it removes IQ points, Sutton implies induced panic; I’ve experienced both. Once glue up starts, the clock is ticking. Every second that passes gets riskier, more difficult, and messier. (We’ve all been there…) Before glue up I sawed a couple slots for wedges and made a few oak wedges that I would use to ensure the fit was as tight as possible. I spread glue on the inside of the mortise on the mallet with my finger. Next I spread glue on the top of the mallet handle with my finger. Finally, I put the wedges in the slots and drove them home. As often happens, something went wrong: one of the two wedges broke during the banging. I don’t think this affects the strength of the joint, but if I were to do it again I wouldn’t use a mallet for driving the wedges, and instead would use a metal hammer.
Added some chamfers on all the corners:
I let the glue set up overnight. The next step was to saw off the wedges, the protruding tenon, and to plane it flush. After that I gripped the mallet head in the vise and shaped the handle. I didn’t have an axe to rough out the head; I also didn’t have a working spokeshave to shape out the handle, so I use a shinto rasp, a file, and sandpaper to get the handle comfortably shaped.
Finally, I added finish. I started with boiled linseed oil covering every inch of it. After letting that seep in and wiping off the excess, I let it sit for a few hours. Finally I spread paste wax (about half and half of beeswax and BLO) over the whole piece. I am not sure how much this protects the mallet, but it certainly makes it look nice.
About 5 years after I kicked a hole in C-4’s wall, C-4 was hosting me for my bachelor party. We started the night going to an upscale bowling alley; we drove there in a Penkse truck. Before leaving the venue C-4 insisted that I have a Jager Bomb with him.
At some point in the evening I decided to climb up C-4’s kitchen cabinets, mostly by using the nailed on molding. The molding immediately broke off. I have visited many times since then, but not broken more, but I promise you, if you’re reading this C-4, I’m not done doing damage to your home.
Cool Mallet could star in a movie.
Has C 4 invited you to his home recently? 😜